Bret, Jermain, and Aziz... and Jon

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Originally uploaded by kiajonny

Lala land

Discovered this website called lala.com

Really amazing since they actually let you listen to songs before they sell it to you. Enjoy the violin concerto above...

From an assessment at work

We had to fill this out and I realized that as of late I've been in this mode and I'll be damned if I let this continue.

How though?

Here's the thought process exactly copied from the assessment:

"Resisting Blaming or Complaining"

Blaming or complaining takes people into states that misdirect their energy. In the "Blamer State," the other person's fault is both clear and misplaced. Blamers thus focus their energy on punishment and sarcasm, rather than creativity and problem solving. The Blamers' emotional signature is anger, or sometimes rage.

Complaining takes people into the "Victim State." Victims name the (apparently unalterable) circumstances as the problem, feel helpless, and take no action. Then, Victims form "clubs" of sympathetic others to validate their helplessness and alleviate their sadness. Thus, Victims spread their toxic helplessness.

Here is an easy test to tell whether you are in either the Blamer or the Victim state. Ask, "How do I feel?" If you feel good, you are not in these debilitating states. If you feel lousy, you likely are.

Teams fully meet the standard when members:

• Notice they are entering the Blamer or Complainer state and stop;
• Are intolerant of blaming or complaining in others; and
• Refuse to join complainer "clubs."

normal day

Today was a normal day, but I think its that normality thats just getting on my nerves. Nothing I've done is decidedly significant. Nobody has given me any beef jerky my mind can chew on. So, something's gotta happen. The mood alone is just too weak. Maybe something will come up tonight. Maybe today's just not the day. Tomorrow's gotta be better, right?

Nevermind, I lied... I've had at least two excellent conversations today and I have plenty to chew on. My problem is learning about a simple fact. Separation is occuring, and I'm kicking and screaming while being dragged to calmer waters and greener pastures.

Just a name

Today I went to the funeral of a young lady who I knew back home in Redlands. She apparently couldn't stand herself anymore...so she took her own life. Her name was Farah, she left a twin sister, Soraya.

My Cousin, Shadi now has something in common with Soraya in that they have both lost a twin sister. Shadi came out here only a couple weeks ago to hold a memorial for Shahrzad. I still wonder what exactly my effect on her is and why it is she feels so close to me. Maybe its just because nothing makes me happier to be there for her... Or because the first 12-14 years of our lives were practically spent together... Sherry, Shadi, and Jonny Boy.

After Farah's funeral, I came to work. My admin, Serena, wanted to know how it went and I ended up describing all that I've written here. This reminded her of her own brother who also took his life at the age of 20... with him though, it was a result of schizophrenia.

In hearing his story my heart melted and died and came back to life several times. She described his kind nature, his desire to be closer to his mother, his hopes to become a hip hop artist, and his being an amazing uncle to her son.

And then she mentioned in passing that his name was Jonathan... and that everytime she interacts with me she thinks of him.

It may seem strange... but there is an intense yet subtle beauty in moments like this.

Last night I saw Nine Inch Nails at the Henry Fonda Theater.

Ah-maze-ing show. Holy moly it was good....